TiMER

I have come to the conclusion that it is definitely in my nature to kill myself. I harm myself in all ways possible - physically, mentally, and emotionally.

 I thought of all the good relationships I had and thought of how I ended them, then I thought of the ones that were one-sided and how I held onto them with all I had no matter how much it hurt. I thought of the way it felt to smoke, and how it poisons your body, and I thought of how I had asthma, yet did it anyway. I thought of all the times I expected something I knew wasn't going to happen, and was still disappointed.

I think of what people will say about me when I do it, and who would care. I feel like people closest to me would have expected it, and be mad. They would say I'm selfish and took the easy way out, but they are selfish for trying to keep me in a world I am not fit to live.

I know for certain that one day I will have had my fill, and end it. I'm emotionally weak, and although I try to be strong, the right person always seems to find the weak spot. I don't know when, but I know I am going to commit; it's all just a matter of timing.

There's a boy whom I love with all of my being - heart, mind, body, and soul. He will probably be happiest when I'm gone.

mata me

It seems I have become the famous "Marcy".

Ironic. I always hated her after everything that's happened and now I find myself wanting to sit and have a conversation with her about how she deals with these things, but that isn't appropriate. Brandon is Isaiah and Kathy is me. Isaiah and I can go months without talking and spark a conversation one day and be back to the first days of when we met: laughing, making sarcastic jokes, revealing our innermost worries, and just being silly. I know he still has a lot of our things and he remembers more of our past than I do, so like Brandon, he has all the memories. After our break up, I killed him emotionally and it seems as though that's what she's done to him. Isaiah cannot show affection for Marcy as easily as he can, or still will, with me. I'm scared Brandon is the same way.

He'so shitty to me. Where are my flowers? my songs? my jewelry? I wait on him hand and foot and get nothing in return. I'm killing myself slowly. I've never been so unhappy in my life, not even when Isaiah rejected me.

I know one thing - if nothing changes, I'm saving up my money after I get a car and license, make sure it's all cash, and take off. I refuse to say where for fear of being found and I'll make damn sure not to leave any kind of trail. I'll probably be living with him at the time so I'll just leave him a note because it's really taking a toll on me and I can't see lose who I am because of someone who doesn't even tell me I'm beautiful.

So This Is Growing Up

I've lived with my current boyfriend Brandon for four months now.
It's insane how much I rely on him for basically everything - rides, money, happiness...
I've been tossed into the real world and it's scary. He's all I've got.

I have no job, no car, a toddler, and I still crave freedom.


Mark Hoppus didn't prepare me for this.